by Matthew Argame
In the City
Manhattan gutted my insides
Threw me on the unkept sidewalks at midnight
Just as the moonshine ricocheted off unwashed windows
Of rundown prewar townhomes
And scuffed cars
And pools of undrained sewage.
The steady and distant light peered through these darkened cityscapes
But the pure shimmer dared not touch my hollowed heart
For this cavity would take in and make dirty the light
Just as the sun would show me shame
In the city my body is
No longer mine.
Over the Canyon
Wind whizzes through the canyon and whispers in my ear
Come over
Frosted skies fall forcefully onto rocky slopes frisking me
Come closer
Pine leaves rattle, sandstone and shale shuffles, mouths chatter
Chatter
Chatter
The breeze bows beneath my heavy breath.
The snow slows to see my sorrowful sigh.
Sound seizes
Boundaries blur
My gaze is in freefall
My body
Over
Your arms—Catch.
Wind whizzes
Frosted skies fall
Pine leaves rattle
Sandstone and shale shuffles
Mouths chatter
Chatter
Chatter
Out the Confessional
This face shatters in your presence
Trembles at the pull toward you
Knowing I shouldn’t want your lips
Before your beloved sacred scripts
This face shatters in your presence
As you pray for purity and peace
Helpless before your voice
I find solace—and shame—in my religious poise
This face shatters in your presence
Your face shatters in my presence—
I fall before your bare knees
You take me in like holy scripture
Our broken pieces mix on sacred fixtures
The devil dances on our chest tonight
Swaying to the sinus rhythm of sin
Through the Bone
This may have been troubling to them
That I was not worried
That I was unmoved
That in fact I was hoping
For some physical pain
But when you sit with demons for too long
When you wake up sensing your soul has left you—again
When polychromic landscapes fall grey
And gardens smell like decay
And gentle lullabies sound like nails on chalkboard—
When you’re here too long, you know,
In your own psychological thriller
Playing in the cinema of your mind
You start wanting people to pinch you,
To saw you, perhaps
So, here’s my chance
Describe the procedure to me again, doc
He’s going to break my face
In four places specifically
He’s going to stretch my fleshy lower lip under my chin
My rubbery upper lip over my nose
Saw through my mandible
zzzzz zzzzz zzzzz
Saw through my maxilla
zzzzz zzzzz zzzzz
Saw through my thick chin
z-zzzhp z-zzzhp z-zzzhp
Shake the bone around a bit to help it split
chkkk chkk chkkk
Drill each piece in its new place
zmm zmm, zmm zmm, zmm zmm, zmm zmm
The anesthesia is wearing off…
There is STOMPING on my face
There is POUNDING in my mouth
There is blood
dripping
from both corners of my lips
I grope for air through my wired-shut jaw
I fight for air through my mucus-filled nose
Blood crumbs and snot crumbs fall as I cry for air
Despite this
for the first time—
I
Can
Finally
Breathe.
Demons
gone
Gardens
green
Lullabies
gentle—
Hm hm hmmm hm hm
I hum happily beneath my imprisoned lips
Beneath the Earth
There was so much power in your prayers
You’d lock your eyes shut
You’d inhale deeply as if through the earth
You’d summon a chill around my neck
Soon your powerful prayers
Turned into perpetual whispers
As you bowed your head deeply
And rocked back and forth in your creaking chair
The softer the whispers
The closer we’d move
To take in your words
Your breath
Your wisdom
Later your whispers turned into
Cries and moans and groans
That made the grownups cry too
Eventually not a sound out of you
Only the rumbling from the oxygen device
And the occasional buzz from the blood pressure cuff
Crickets and distant passing cars bring me to rest
I am sleeping by you tonight
In the gentlest night we’ve seen in a while
Then a long heavy gurgle
A low, low gurgle—
Summons me from my rest
It’s 4:13AM I move daydream-like towards you
I see your eyes closed firmly shut
And jaw hanging open
As if you are about to deliver
Your final prayer
—
Matthew Argame is currently a graduate student at Columbia University, pursuing a Master of Science in Narrative Medicine. He completed his undergraduate degree at California State University, Long Beach (CSULB), where he founded TEDxCSULB, conducted scientific research through the NIH BUILD program, and was honored by the JED Foundation as the Student Voice of Mental Health for his activism and work throughout the university. Upon graduation from Columbia, Matthew will continue on to medical school where he hopes to become a physician providing holistic care to his patients and will continue his craft of writing poetry.